J1C semi final match Vs Wombats held at Fuji, 2nd September, 2007

My first senior coach once told me that ninety percent of cricket is half mental. From that profound statement, I was able to deduce that roughly forty five percent of our great game is played between the ears. And, as our semi final against the old rivals approached I was left to ponder exactly how we would fare on the psychological battle field of Fuji 1. What follows is a meticulously compiled account of what transpired inside the minds of the Sharks on that fateful day.

Is that my alarm? Good god. What time is it? 6am! There must be some mistake. No, wait. What day is it? ...Sunday? Cricket! My head hurts. Where was I last night? Who is this girl next to me? She sure is ugly but her hair smells nice: Absinthe with a hint of Marlboro Lights if I’m not mistaken. Maybe I should just stay in bed. It’s not like it’s the last game of the season or anything. No, wait. Did someone say something about a semi final? Got to leave right now. Whites…check. Wallet… check. Where am I going again? Excuse me Mister Station Man, how can I get to Shinagawa station? What is this man saying to me? Why can’t people speak English in this damn city? OK. I’m at Shinagawa. Which platform? Is that my phone ringing? Better answer it. Hello, Chris. Good morning. Which platform do I go to? The train’s gone? OK, I’ll get the next one. Bye. Oh well, at least I don’t have to sit next to Levi.

This is great. Everyone is hanging on my every word. Best idea I’ve ever had, bringing the 2007 Chiba Ramen Guide with me on the train. I mean people are actually listening to what I have to say and they seem genuinely interested. Except for Apu. I love the Sharks. If I was still playing for the Wombats they’d be ridiculing me right now but here I am with the Sharks, and I’m the authority on ramen. They’re not even taking the piss out of me. At least I don’t think they are.

Why can I never win a toss against these bastards? Tails never fails. Bullshit. What would Steve Waugh do? Heads, definitely. Shit. Lost again. What? Chuck wants to bowl? Fantastic! I’ll just pretend I won the toss.

Don’t get out. Don’t get out. Keep out the good balls. Put away the bad ones. That’s the way a good opener plays. Where are these bad balls, anyway? Every ball seems to be slow, straight and pitched on off stump. I’ve got Graphic at the other end. He’s the attacking one, isn’t he? He can score the runs.

Why do I have to be square leg umpire? Shouldn’t the oldest bloke in the team be the captain and give other people the shitty jobs like this? Come on lads, score some bloody runs! Tavare and Boycott used to be more exciting than this. Ahh, good. A quick single. That’s the way. Hurry up Graphic or you’ll be run out! Hmmm…that was close. He was probably in but… I think I’ll stick the finger up anyway.

That was probably the best cover drive anyone has ever played in the history of cricket. It almost reached the boundary! 12 off 7 balls. That’s like Adam Gilchrist or Ricky Ponting. In fact I’m better than Gilchrist. What’s he ever done? I’m definitely the best batsman in Japan, probably in the world. I wonder if you can get picked for the Australian squad from the J1C. Better check my phone during the break. Merv might’ve called. That 20/20 World Cup’s coming up. Take that, Wombats first change trundler! I’ve hit that really well. I’ve hit it so well it’s almost gonna carry to the bloke on the boundary. Oh shit.

What those Aussies and Poms don’t understand is that comedy is an endurance sport. It’s a matter of percentages. If you keep talking you’re bound to say something funny eventually. Their idea of wit is just a humorous observation delivered with impeccable timing. Wrong. If I’d stopped talking for even one second I would never have come up with a gem like “I haven’t seen Chris run that fast since the Mega Mac went on sale.” Champagne comedy. Ha ha ha. Okay, that’s enough. Less thinking, more talking.

Bloody batsmen. Useless again. It’s gonna be up to me to save these batstards from humiliation again. If it wasn’t for Thurgate and Polish we’d have no bloody runs at all. Good knock by the skipper. Deserves a fifty. Won’t get one though ‘cos I’m gonna take a bit of the strike and show the missus how it’s done. Good girl, coming to watch me. Hang on, she’s not asleep is she? Wake up! I’m batting!

I’m a Zulu warrior hunting a wildebeest across the plains of the Serengeti. No, I’m more like a lion stalking its prey, waiting for the opportune moment to pounce. Or am I a cheetah, swiftly bounding in to ambush the unsuspecting antelope by stealth. What does that even mean? Too many metaphors. I’ve got to stop reading Wilbur Smith. Anyway I’m hunting Wombats. A totally foreign species of prey. This one they call Burke is especially wily. I reckon he’s suspect to the yorker though. Just like the gazelle is vulnerable if you take out its hind legs. Whoops. That didn’t come out right. More like a bouncer. Why is Umhali shouting and jumping? Has he been bitten by a Black Mamba? No, it’s a wicket! Hurrah!

Wides, wides, bloody wides. Everyone’s bowling ‘em. It’s like they’re going out of fashion. Anyone’d think we had 374 on the board, not 174. Who do I turn to? Running out of options. Hmmm…do I dare bring Kasai on?

This is great. I haven’t bowled this well since 1976 when I took 4/11 to clean up the tail of the Letchmont Heath under twelves. I’ve been going four overs and the skipper hasn’t dragged me yet. Those hours down at Goi have finally paid off. We may be heading for an embarrassing defeat but I can hold my head up high.

I reckon Chuck’s vulnerable to that ball just short of a length on leg stump that spins away from him. Here goes…that’s come out perfectly. And…jeez he’s hit that a long way.

Why did I volunteer to play this game again? Hurry up and knock off these runs. Still early. With any luck I’ll be back home in time for dinner. 40 overs is longer than it sounds. What’s the difference between Diet Coke and Coke Zero? I wonder if Levi would look scarier or less scary if he had dreadlocks. If my brother was playing for the Sharks would his nickname be Sanjay? Nice shot. Uh oh, I really should’ve stuck my hands out and caught that.

Another crushing, humiliating, sole-destroying defeat. I said I wasn’t gonna drink if we lost and I’m gonna stick to it. Hmmm…that new aki aji has just come out, hasn’t it…maybe just one.

What do you mean I’m taking the kit home? I’ve got a 30 minute walk from the station to my house. And I’m on Chunky-watch? What the hell is Chunky-watch? And why the hell am I on it? Screw this. I’m going home.

Keep it together. Keep it together. Levi’s definitely had more to drink than me so I can’t possibly be that drunk. I’ll prove to everyone that I’m sober by casually wheeling the esky away. Uh oh.

Biggest bunch of ****-a-rounders in the J1C! This is beyond a ****ing joke. That poor girl’s almost broken her neck by sliding on this bloody Chunky-created ice slurry. Well I guess its my duty to personally make sure these young women can safely negotiate their way through this hazard. Gotta make the most of a bad situation!

Why is this huge foreigner shaking me and yelling at me? I’m scared. I don’t want to die. What’s he trying to say to me? It’s almost like he’s trying to speak Japanese. I know Shinagawa station is flooded. I informed the station attendant forty minutes ago. He alerted his supervisor who notified the department manager who surely must have contacted the area personnel coordinator. The proper procedure has been followed. Why can’t he understand that? Please don’t kill me.

It’s 10pm. I’m home later than usual. I’m drunk, I’ve lost a semi final, missed out on a fifty and stood around for an hour at Shinagawa station in a slowly liquefying glacier. Why do I do it? Buggered if I know but all I know is I’m going to do it all again next week. I guess it’s because I love it.

For the record, Thurgate batted brilliantly for 46, Shu Pattnaik made an entertaining yet mature 34, Dean Mossop had Chuck Jones plumb in front on zero, Bill Smith bowled excellently in a tight seven over spell, the Wombats won by nine wickets with eight overs to spare and went on to retain the J1C title and, yes, Shinagawa station was completely flooded.

Team on the day:
Chris, Markus, David, Fayez, Dhugal, Richard, Shu, Levi, Dean, Bill, Paul

Report by: Dhugal Bedingfeld